How to Cope

[Marcyw]

My husband and I have been fostering a child since he was born. He is now 4 months old. For the first three and a half months of his life, his birth mother was uninvolved. She did not attend any court hearings and she told the child welfare worker that she was not planning on doing anything to get her child and that the worker should "do whatever she has to do." Needless to say, it was a bittersweet moment for us, since our plan was to attempt to adopt from the foster care system. Birth mom's comments seemed so hopeless, yet we were pleased that she made a good decision for her son. Now, after almost 4 months, the birth mother decides that she wants her child. Despite the fact that she does not have 3 other children in her care(all TPR'd), a long term AODA and criminal history and unresolved mental health issues, our foster son's child welfare worker has arranged for supervised visitation. Now, the kiddo is having twice a week contact with his birth mom. All of the above history is to ask the following question....how do we, as newer foster/adopt parents cope with this scenario??? Visits have been taking place for approximately 2 weeks. We feel this constant distraction, because we were blindsided by this new development. Advice to cope would greatly be appreciated.

[peggyb101]

Hello, my heart is broken just reading your post. Unfortunately, this is how the system works, no matter what they try to reunite the kids with the birth parents if possible. The good thing from your scenario is that she has a past losing other kids, she also doesn't sound like she can be consistent for very long, and they pretty much have to give her the chance so when they do go for permanent custody they can prove they worked with her as much as possible. Things could go the other way but chances are good she is going to fall apart from her prior history. I am not sure if there are any really good ways to cope with these situations. It sounds like you are just like my husband and I and it is just brutal (we lost a baby we picked up from the hospital 2x and he ended up going back home and a sibling group of two). Its devastating but the thing we try to remember is that we can only do the best for them that we can and if they ended up going home we gave them their so called "fifteen minutes". It stinks but its a reality in this field. I hope and pray you guys get the baby and keep your heads up! Believe it or not if it doesn't go your way there is someone else who needs your love and help. It is hard to think of it that way but with time you will see it! God Bless!

[staying strong]

Wow your story really hits close to home. My husband and I have a six month old we brought home from the hospital also. The bio mom makes her visits but in our case has 7 other TPR's and is working on another TPR hearing this month for 3 more siblings. It will take more than just making her visits in our case. Try to stay strong and our prayers our with you.

[FosterMom78]

I will be saying some prayers for you and the little boy Marcy! Unfortunately you will see that this scenario is pretty common and most of us have experienced at one time or another. I have a TPR hearing next month and am hoping things go smoothly so I can move on and adopt a 3 year old that we have had for 2 years!! I will tell you that what everyone else is saying is true....that with a past like you described, I can not see her getting him back. The unfortunate thing for you is that she will drag the process out and it will become painful at points but in the end I truly believe you will have your day in court and get to adopt the little boy! The best advice I can give you is to stay strong and speak your concerns when appropriate but other than that find comfort in your spouse and hang on... In the meantime treasure every moment you have with the little guy and make him feel safe! :) Best wishes to you all!!

[JHenry1970]

Three months ago, I was lucky enough to have my first foster child--a funny, smart, loving little, 2-year-old boy--come into my life. We bonded immediately. His bio mom sounds just like the bio mom of your child--mental health issues, recent drug history, no job, lost custody of 2 previous children to their bio dad...The social workers have recently increased her visit frequency/duration. She is even allowed to take him on a bus from daycare to DSHS and back to daycare on Tuesdays. I'm terrified for him--and I only see a bleak future if he is returned to her. I am having a hard time focusing at work, because all I think about is him--and what is likely coming down the pike. He is having a hard time, too, now with the increased visits--more crying/shrieking, not wanting to go to "school" (where he gets picked up from), etc. What is particularly painful is that he's become emotionally detached in a way from me, and he asks me, when he's lying in bed going to sleep, "Back, Mommy? Back, Mommy?" [Note: He calls bio mom "Momman" and me "Mommy."] It is heart breaking. And I am single, so I don't have a partner to share this pain with me. Fortunately, I have loving friends and family who are very supportive. My family (parents/sisters) have bonded with him, too, and have their own fears of loss to deal with. This is by far the most difficult thing I've ever done, but I have to say, as I was gazing out the window today, I concluded that I wouldn't do this over--I would still take him into my life and my heart--and he'll always live inside of me. Hopefully, he will always remember, deep down, what unconditional love feels like.

[pictureregan]

My husband and myself, took in our nephew legally in 2006 we have joint custody with the father (because the jail brought him to court) but we have physical custody, he was 5 at the time. His parents (my sister in law, and her boyfriend) were lost to the world of drugs, and everything that goes with that lifestyle. We decided instead of having to shuffle him from house to house because of babysitting and school, and the simple fact that he deserves a family and a home, to call his own. The father was, at the time, in jail for two years on drug charges. When he was released he had no problem being a weekend dad, no responsibility, no worries just a every other weekend video game partner. The father is since been in and out of jail and is currently serving 2 years again for burglary. Prior to this current prison term, we requested court supervised visits, which he failed to show up for 4 out of 6 times, he was about to try another year of the visits and and yearly proof of drug treatment, when he got sent away. His mother on the other hand did not fight the court and has not seen him since about April, 2006. She has been in and out of jail. No contact with my self my husband or her son. She did however stay in contact, when arrested or in need of help, with her mother. As of around Sept, 15th 2011 she is in a court mandated drug rehab. She has been writing letters to her son and my husband and finally me. Her mother has visited her twice. I am extremely happy and hopeful she will make a full recovery, and be apart of her sons life. But i am ripped apart inside, my heart is aching and I cant stop being upset, yes I know its selfish and wrong. So I need help on getting over the fact that everything that I have done all the fighting with school to help him (he has learning issues) all the emotional stress and anguish of dealing with the junkie dad, as well as keeping the peace with his fathers side of the family ex everyother week he goes to see his paternal grandparents. I know that my role was to take care of him untill he either started his own adult life or something with his parents changed, but I am stuck in this place where i am resentful and mad. I have given so much of my energy and sacrificed for the special needs of "my foster/type child" and most of the time it was time taken away from other 3 children. I know it will be about 10 more months before I really have to worry but in "parenting time" that's nothing. I feel that she will come back and just take over the role as mom.
on the completely selfish side of the story we have never received any money from the state or the fathers side of the family for him. So while the mother is recovering on tax payers dollars, she will become certified in the same fields I work in, which I cannot afford, on taxpayers dollars. I feel completely used by her and her mother (my mother in law). I have no one else to help me get over these wrong feelings of mine, i need to focus on the good that this will hopefully bring to "my childs" life, even though his mothers life expectancy is not very long because of what she has put herself through. Which I feel also is more problems ahead, I have raised him longer then his natural parents, and then she might come back in his life for a few years and if she (God forbid) dies I have to pick up again as his "mother"? I am at my wits end...CAN SOMEBODY give me advice on how to control my feelings? or If im being a total selfish person, or if i'm just plain crazy. Thanks.

[Kdad]

Try not to let anyone tell you what or how to feel.
Life is unfair, and the closest to us can hurt us the most.
It may not be intentional, but it still hurts the same.
Eventually we need to folow our hearts, and realize its ok to be yourself.
Pain can come in many forms. It can come from many angles.
Keep the friends you can, and make new ones where you can.
Many people will not understand. Some will. Pray for those who dont.
These are certainly difficult times, and kids need us now more than ever.

[carlo]

Keep your head up and stay hopeful, but not disillusioned. This is the system that you're in and if it's best for the child to stay with you then that's what will happen. Meanwhile do your best to impart everything you can into that child. Every moment is a treasure!

[beyondacceptance]

I had the privilege of starring in a christian film about adoption/foster care. The experience was very eye-opening for me as I soon realized all that is involved in the process, both emotionally and physically. I just wanted to encourage all you parents who are willing to bring a child into your home!

You can watch the trailer here:
http://www.beyondacceptance.com/dvd?id=005lb

Be encouraged!