Treat them like your own

[Daveshome]

My suggestion for a "best practice" is to always treat your foster children just like you would your own children, and encourage your family, friends and neighbors to do the same. This way the kids won't feel any more "different" than they have to.

Equally important is to drag them into your life and lifestyle rather than let them (or their parents, relatives, etc.) drag you into theirs. Your life is (or should be) so much more stable and good for them then their old life. Even if they eventually must return home, they should be given every opportunity to experience a better life while they live with you. Hopefully this experience will stick with them when they return home, and will inspire them to do better for themselves.

Thems my two cents, anyway.

Dave -- 15 year veteran foster parent
http://daves-foster-home.blogspot.com/

[Jacqueline]

I have been told through my PRIDE training that foster parents are babysitters of other people's children and we should always be aware of this. Which, seems odd to me because I thought that foster parenting was designed to give the children a family to live with, even if only temporary.

[momof4boys]

We had a lawyer say that in court one day (that foster parents were just baby sitters), and our judge went off on him!! That statement makes me soooo mad!! We are not babysitters. Babysitters get to send them home at the end of the day, not take them home with them. :mad:

[momma-duck]

In general, that's a good principle: treat foster kids like they're your bio kids.
But in reality, that's legally prohibited.

For example, I'm not allowed to cut my foster child's hair.
For the first two months I wasn't allowed to choose my own pediatrician.
I haven't been allowed to use the baby formula that I prefer to use and have had to use another kind.
I haven't been allowed to see his birth certificate and I'm unsure of his actual legal name since the case workers can't seem to agree on it.

Sure, we're way more than babysitters. But that doesn't mean they treat us any differently than they'd treat babysitters.

[jkaiseresquire]

We learned the hard way too that when dealing with kids with severe attachment issues and certain kinds of abuse you simply can't treat them like your own children. First of all, they have more frequent outbursts because the idea of attaching and being part of a family is not only frightening to them, but they often either don't know what a family is or have a very skewed idea of family (i.e. daddy beats mommy). When they sense you trying to make them a part of your family they often freak out (for our foster child it was either destruction of property or physical aggressiveness).

Also, say the child has issues with sexual abuse in the past (and I've been told that most kids in the foster system with more than three placements have been sexually abused at some point, even if it doesn't show up on their record) you can't let them have sleepovers; something your bio child might be allowed to do. While it might not seem "fair" to them, they know that they are different from our biological children. They aren't stupid. They realize they come with certain baggage, and pretending they are no different from our own biological children (especially when they have severe abuse issues) doesn't help anyone.

We also found it was often just another way our foster child could attempt to manipulate us and others around her- "why does (the bio child) get to sleep over a friends house?" "Because we can trust her, we know she won't break things or hurt people when she gets frustrated. You haven't earned that trust yet." The only other option is to either deny our bio child a normal childhood experience that she has every right to enjoy b/c of her foster sibling's history and out of some fear of making her foster sibling feel bad OR we could let our foster child sleep over a friends house and negligently ignore the potential damage the child might cause to herself or others in such a situation.

I might be on a bit of a soapbox here, but I have found in my short time in this system that people are so wrapped up in making the child feel good about themselves that they deny the child an accurate picture of themselves and the world around them. In an effort to build their self-esteem they feed the child false information. The child is left either confused, undeservedly justified, deluded, or given yet another tool to manipulate the adults in their life.

[aggiedog]

Treat them like your own-that's what I was told when I first became a foster parent 13 years ago. That isn't entirely true. What the trainer failed to tell me was to treat them like my own, but don't get attached. If you can draw the line there, I'd like to know how you do it. Although I'm a vet, I learn something new in dealing with these foster children everyday.

[tammyrr]

I agree with the first post...you treat them like your own.
I'm new at this posting thing, and to be honest, pretty new at fostering (I started in June 2010). What I'm not new at since I have 6 children of my own, is being a mom.
I believe the items listed in one of the previous posts...haircut, doctor, formulas, are all trivial. Those are your preferences for the child with the exception of the haircuts...I agree on that one.
I believe the concept of "treating them like your own" refers to discipline, love, support, and trust.
The things I get upset about are the things that can't be prevented. For example: Today I had to take my foster baby who I've had since just before she was 4 months old to the doctor for her 6 month check-up. At this check-up as a requirement of her PACE evaluation, she had to be tested for Hepatisis C because her mother had tested positive at birth and a followup and not taken place for the baby. I had to hold my baby's little arm down (yes I said "my"...I treat her as my own) while they stuck a needle in her to draw blood all because her mother did drugs while pregnant with her and because she had no prenatal care prior to birth. I cried almost as hard as she did, mostly because of her pain but in part, because of the anger I felt towards her mother for essentially doing this to her. Afterwards, I held her in my arms and comforted her. I hugged her, and kissed her and spoke softly to her and calmed her down. A few minutes later she fell asleep in my arms.
My point is this...even though you can't have your preferences as far as formula brands, or doctors, you can still show them the love and support and give them the ability to grow in that love just like you do and have done with your own kids. I have found that even though they are not at home with their biological family, they really want one thing...to belong (or fit in). To accomplish this, you treat them like your own or it will make them stand out as being different and essentially like an outcast where they feel like they've done something wrong.

[Fostering4many]

I agree, in terms of "fairness" you must treat them like your own. It is critically important that your foster child doesn't feel like they end up doing more chores, or having less than what is done for the biochild/ren in the home. They can't feel like they are coming up short, when compared with your children. That said, you cannot lose sight that your foster children are NOT your children and it is highly probable that when it is all said and done, they will be moving back with their parent(s).

I knew of one situation where the child was Catholic and quite young, the foster parents were fundamentalist and Protestant. They absolutely crossed the lines when they, not only, failed to provide the child with access to Catholic services they also had the child baptised at their "born again" church.:eek:

You sort of have to try to put yourself in the family's shoes, even though you can't relate much to their issues, you can imagine how you'd feel if your child were living with another family and they started "taking over" in areas where that just is not appropriate.

So yes, treat them like your own...:oBUT know what areas you draw lines. Treat them like your own when you're making cookies together,:) just make sure you let them keep the positive parts of their own family/ethnic/religious identity-- don't overstep. Everyone will be happier and you won't get seen as another part of their problems.:D

[kmgreens]

I Agree with this statement posted by another member - I might be on a bit of a soapbox here, but I have found in my short time in this system that people are so wrapped up in making the child feel good about themselves that they deny the child an accurate picture of themselves and the world around them. In an effort to build their self-esteem they feed the child false information. The child is left either confused, undeservedly justified, deluded, or given yet another tool to manipulate the adults in their life.

I had a foster girl that had just got glasses in December than in May she failed the school exam, so the health department had me take her in to get her eyes tested. Her eyes had gotten worse. They showed her the selections of glasses that the insurance would pay for. She refused to even look at them and wanted me to buy her a pair that would cost me over $100 more than the insurance would pay. I refused, when I told the case worker what happen she told me that she could get her a grant and get her a new pair like she had gotten before when she did not like her glasses. I ask what does that teach the child, that if she refuses she will get her away sooner or later?
Later on she claimed that I did not love her as much as the last foster family because I would not get her the glasses. I told her the truth that the agency got the other family the funds to buy them. I had new lens put in her frames but that was not good enough.
Another thing is that there is so many people in their lives that buy or give them things, that it is hard to keep track of what they have and where they got it. It is so easy for them to claim that they got it from so and so, mean while they have been stealing things but you do not want to accuses them of things with out any evidence. The workers just want make sure that they have everything that they need and do not realize what they are doing in the process, not only do I have to question where the items come from but I can not go into a gas station with out them getting mad at me because I do not have the funds to buy them what ever they want in there. (I had a case worker, 2 CASA, a driver to school, a driver home, a drive to the agency from school, school teachers, bus drivers, school admin, NKLB worker at the school, therapist, and random people at the agency all giving them stuff, the only one that did not was bio mom.)

I had one girl that had to get a ride to school from the agency, she refused to eat breakfast before her ride, I did not make her because she had breakfast available in school. But instead she was getting the driver to get her food at a fast food place, gas station or snacks from her car that she kept in there for her own kids. The driver never said anything to me that this was going on the girl told on herself in away. I asked the driver to stop and explained that she was wasting our food just to eat what she was getting her. The drive understood.

Our pride classes said to bond with the children but stressed that we should remember that they are not ours. Well my husband and I went in to foster care to adopt and respite. When we got the call (as brand new FP) we were told that there was 5 siblings and that the parents rights would be terminated in a couple weeks, they made it sound like a done deal. I bonded with the kids and treated the kids like they were going to be ours. Time passed and the trail dragged on, we were asked to adopt and to prepare our home for all 5 kids by adding on to our home. Four months and 4 kids later the judge gave mom 2 more months, after which they went home.

The case worker got mad at me for not sending the kids to respite more often. I figured if we adopt the kids I would not have respite to take the kids when ever. When we went some where we took them with us just like anyone would of taken there own kids. Another problem with respite is that when they go they get spoiled, they get different rules, setting up dates takes time, then checking to make sure that they pack everything that they will need, making sure that they bring it all back home, (my kids would forget things so that they could try and get the respite to by them a new one or I would when they got home), and deal with there coming home tudes. Totally not worth all that frustration and extra work.

The biggest frustration with the hair cut is that the bio mom refused to let them until she knew she was getting them back. Once she knew she was getting them back, she let them do a lot of things that she did not let them do before like wear make up.

We took the kids to a church other than the bio mom religion's (which was roman catholic but she never took the kids to church or had gone herself since childhood) When the kids asked about baptism, we told them that it was great that they were asking but that was not something that we could give them permission to do, that was something that their mom would have to approve just like the hair cutting.

The kids that I had were so convinced that they were entitled to things that went through their closet and filled a black bag and a half of clothes that they wanted to sell (mainly if it was not name brand they wanted to sell it). They had more clothes in the bag than they had in the closet when they were done. They then insisted that I have a yard sale so they could sell them to make money to buy new name brand clothes. When they went home their yard sale stuff went with them, some of of the clothes that they wanted to sell was brand new, never worn that they picked out in the store.
When I recieved 2 of the kids it was just after the spring allowance had come in and the previous home kept it and most of the girls possession. So we had to replace there wardrobe out of are own pocket. I took them shopping and let the choose what to get, the oldest bought things and never wore them, but she removed the tags so I could not take them back.

[Fostering4many]

I want to respond a little to the poster who feels that foster children get an "attitude of entitlement". My foster children have always gotten clothing money. It comes every quarter. I have never been able to afford to spend over a grand on clothes yearly for any child of mine. My children began to whine and I sat them down and explained that I hoped their self-esteem wasn't so fragile that their sense of worth came down to the logo on whatever sneakers they had. Sadly, though in our society, in many high schools, the "new" kids often go through a terrible scrutiny by their peers. Their getting friends, being accepted, feeling confident about even going to the strange new school, could rest on having the right accessories, looking sharp and fashionable. I have never begrudged ANYTHING done for my foster children. They sadly sometimes DO misinterpret material things as being what matters, what reflects your regard for them. That being the case, we aren't going to turn that around in a few months stay and if that is what they need to feel reassured, why not? I'm not saying spring for everything they want. BUT if they feel more comfortable with one frame than another? AND there are funds for it, AND maybe that will help them to wear their glasses? Why not?
These children haven't had the advantages that our biological children typically have had. Their needs are going to be different and sometimes what seems like a whim, or a want really is a need springing out of very low esteem and a lot of insecurities.

[Fostering4many]

We had a lawyer say that in court one day (that foster parents were just baby sitters), and our judge went off on him!! That statement makes me soooo mad!! We are not babysitters. Babysitters get to send them home at the end of the day, not take them home with them. :mad:

Right?
Of course we aren't babysitters, I think the going rate for babysitters is around $5.00 an hour!!!!:D