Anyone ever requested a foster child to be removed?

[CAFostermom]

We have been fostering two kids for the past 14 months, and we had intended to adopt the kids. Both the kids are going to be removed soon and heading to a short-term placement. We had requested that the foster son be removed due to his violent behavior (he was deemed to have "anger" issues from previous placements, and boy was that an understatement!!!), and social services said that his younger sibling (a girl) will therefore need to be removed. They were upset with us for making this decision. If we do not want to adopt both, then both will be removed. In fact, I am going to send a letter to social services expressing our concerns for placing the kids together given the foster son's violent history, as well as their choice of long-term placement (social services recommended to have their grandmother adopt them; ironically, social services deemed her unfit as an adoptive home when they determined that the biological mother should not get the kids back).

My question - for those of you who have asked to have a foster child removed from your home, what impact did this have on your ability to serve as a foster parent in the future? We feel like we've gotten no support on this from social services (I feel like we are given a guilt trip). We think that we'll be "black balled" as foster parents. Is that true?

[FosterMom78]

I've never requested a child to leave but have heard of someone who did. I do know that they were put to the "bottom" of the list after there request. I dont think though they had a real reason to request removal it was more of a prefrence thing. I think you have some legitimate concerns and your request is not for selfish reasons. Since you seem like a loving foster parent, I think you will be fine. Good Luck! :) and I wish those children well.

[Mom11]

As far as your request goes you are being reasonable. Agencies these days prefer not to separate children, so it is a shame that the other sibling (with normal behaviour, I assume) will suffer at some point because of this. You seem like you care enough because you show concern for the "non-violent" child. You are doing nothing wrong and should not be made to feel guilty. In the long run we are giving our hearts to children in need, most of whom have differenct levels of issues, once we have tried and have dealth with certain circumstances until we fell we can't go on anymore, is it you and your health that should remain first and foremost. Only you know what and how much you can handle, so atleast you gave them your best and what you could. It is not your fault and I'm sure you are doing this only because it has become to much for you. You can only say a prayer for the child who is not a problem.

[CAFostermom]

Thanks for all the kind words. It was an emotional day bringing the FS to his new house. We didn't do this because we didn't get the "perfect" child through the foster care system. unfortuantely, because of his extreme anger, we really believed that he would eventually carry out one of this death threats. So for now, the FD is with us until they are moved again. I pray for them both each day. Unfortuantely, these kids will have to deal with all their traumas for the rest of their lives. They did not ask to be born to a mom/dad who made bad choices. The other relatives in their lives did nothing to stop the trauma from occurring. Already in their young lives, they have had to deal with more trauma than the average person. And unfortuantely, their story is not unique....:(

[FosterMom78]

I am sure it was a hard day for you. Does this now mean that you will get to keep the little girl? I wish you all the best and the best to those children who deserve it! :)

[CAFostermom]

DSS will not let us keep the FD. They want her to stay with her brother. We lobbied to keep her, but the policy is that they don't want siblings to separate. So for now, she is with us and will join her brother as soon as a place open up for her in the home where he is currently living.

[Riversun]

This happened to us too. We had two children who we had planned to adopt prior to meeting them. When they came into our home, the older one was violent and planned to hurt our own child. We asked to have him removed immediately. They would not let us keep the younger child even though the older boy was hurting him also. They keep siblings together no matter what. We felt they were discounting the younger boy and not giving him a chance for a good life. We have recently seen the boys in a store. They have not been adopted and are in a family with other foster children who are much older than them.
We were able to join another service. But we were somewhat blacklisted. We had to do extra work to get accepted. But they did realize the child was dangerous and learned he could not be placed with younger children. It takes a long time to get over the pain and guilt of sending a child back.

[CAFostermom]

Thanks Riversun. We believe that we will be blasklisted from our current ageny. We've toyed with the idea of moving to a new agency. We've even thought about adopting a newborn. You are correct that this was a decision frought with guilt. We felt bad that the "good" child will always have to be placed with the "violent" child due to policy. We saw the kids not to long ago as we dropped off some of their stuff. The "good" ran over, cried while hugging us and still calls us "mom" and "dad" while the "violent" kid asked for his stuff and walked off. He calls us by our first names. We are taking the time now to heal and praying for enlightenment on what to do next.

[Texas Foster Mommy]

I have asked for a child to be removed from my home, and I also asked for her sister to stay. She had too many issuse for me to deal with and after begin admitted for the 2nd time 2 weeks to a childrens mental hospital, she was more than I could handle. My agency supported me 100%, I felt guilty, and I felt that I was letting the child down, but I it not fair to the other children nor the you if the child is a "danger to him/herself and others". There are homes out there that deal specifically with children that have violent issues. If it takes all you have to keep one child from harming the others than they are too much. The caseworker asked the judge if she could be seperated from the sister and we were allowed seperate them.

[sbeaton]

(first post, so bare with me as I figure out things)
I'm in community in northern Canada and we don't have most of the behavioural/mental health services available in more populated areas.
I had a older teen with encopresis and most of the advice/information I received was for a small child. Not having any options, the workers were pleased that everyone worked with and was tolerant of the situation....until the teen displayed some health hazardous habits around his condition with no regard for 4 other foster children as well as myself.
Knowing that foster homes are slim here, I gave the department a few weeks to find an alternate placement. No one really looks forward to moving a child, but if a foster parent works with them, things sure are smoother for everyone...at least with an experienced social worker.