New to this Forum....(very long vent)

[MadAriad]

Well I'm new here- I guess I'm looking for help.

I've been foster parenting for a little over a year but seriously am thinking about getting out.

Let me explain. We have our third placement with us right now. The first was very short - only two weeks. Then we got a little boy we were supposed to adopt until the BF came out of nowhere and our son left us literally overnight. This was devastating to me. Our family took about a 6 week break from fostering because I was so sad.

Anyway, I finally was going out of my mind having nothing to do, so we took another placement. It was supposed to be another temporary one, but now we've had her longer than we had both the others combined. There's no real end in sight at this point, except that BM is doing well and hopefully will be able to make it once she's out of rehab and on her own. Then the plan is for FD to go home to her.

I'm in a strange place emotionally, though. My father died in January very unexpectedly, and aside from all the grieving and turmoil it's caused in my life and my family, it's got me looking at where my efforts are being spent.

My BS is very high-maintenance and hard to handle. And I didn't expect to have this FD so long.

I'm feeling stuck. I don't know if this is a case of plain burn-out or what, but I've lost the hope and pride I felt when I first became a foster parent. I don't seem to be deriving the joy I once had from being around the kids and babies all the time. My son used to be the light of my life, and now I can't wait to get a break from caring for him. It doesn't seem fair that I have this FD in my home when I'm feeling this way. I'm really stressed out.

I want to stay committed to my responsibilities, but I feel so pressured and just want out. I know it is best for FD to stay with us because as far as she's concerned, I'm the mom. She's been with us for most of her life at this point, and I wouldn't feel right abandoning her to another family, putting her through all that trauma (again).

Then there's the possibility that we could adopt her if BM doesn't stick with the program or takes too long.

We're moving into concurrent planning this week, in case that does happen.

The problem here is that with the losses I've suffered in the last year, first my son and then my father, I'm really re-assessing my life goals. I feel like I've done a good thing being a foster parent, and also just in parenting my BS. But I feel ready to move on. I've always had a dream of having a particular career, and now I am feeling that dream pulling at me, and I want to pursue it.

I don't feel like I can really do it while I'm foster parenting, though.

I'm so consumed by my work with the kids. I really am wishing that FD's BM would have gone with the program to begin with, and she would already have her daughter back, and I could get on with my life.

Just in writing this I'm recognizing how resentful I feel toward all the forces holding me back - FD's BM, the system that seems to have failed us all in some way.


So I don't know if I'm just venting or looking for advice or what. I'm just really bummed that my original passion for the task of parenting and foster parenting is gone. It doesn't seem fair to the kids.

But I can't very well just quit and get my act together - that wouldn't be fair either.

My current plan is to just wait it out and pursue my dream career whenever the f*** I finally get my chance......

Sorry if I'm offending anyone, thank you for reading my post. I'm in a fragile emotional state.

[harris4kids]

I am glad that you have come to this forum. I have been where you are at-in fact, more than once in the eight years that I have been doing foster care. Sometimes, it was, as you said, "case-plan burnout" and frustration with the system. Other times, it was the particular child and their behavior that made me crazy.

It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life besides foster care that is contributing to your feelings. You ultimately need to do what is best for your family. Personally, there have been times when my husband and I have decided to have a child moved, to honor our family's needs. Other times, we have talked to the caseworker and set up respite care to get a break. Each situation is different.

The times that I stuck it out, I found that after the child left and I had a short break, I was anxious to do foster care again. This may or may not happen for you.

Be true to yourself and do not feel guilty. I hope you will continue to post here and let us know how you are doing.

[myfavoritewife]

I am not a foster parent, Just someone who is researching the topic.

But as a mother with 2 children I would like to say that foster or not your FEELINGS ARE COMPLETLY NORMAL. My children are 4 years apart, and I stay at home with my daughter while my son attends 2nd grade.

I am tied down to my 3 year old- 24 hrs a day- 7 days a week. It gets overwhelming...espicially in the evening when i want to spend time with my son (whom I havent seen all day) and my daughter pushes in front of him, or needs something that must come first.
I sometimes have thoughts of how she takes away from what I could be giving him. They are temporary and ridiculous, but I still think them occasionally.

You situation is 3-fold
#1you have the extra child- but
#2 there is the option of not having her...a thought I have never had because that is not an option- if my daughter were a foster, my thoughts would surely explore that alternative
and what I feel is most important
#3- you have obviously had your heart broken before whn you lost your potential adoption... and you are close enough to smell the idea of adopting this child- and it is dragging up all of the pain from last time... and part of your mind would rather run away from the situation than be hurt again.

all of what you are feeling is normal.... and you know as well as I that your loss of pride in being a foster parent is an illusion your brain has spit out because of its fear... you did not become a foster mommy to be proud of yourself- you became a foster mommy because you have a gift- the capacity to love a child that is not biologically yours. You see their need and your heart aches to make them better. You are a strong loving person who knows that your commitment and calling is protecting and loving children.

That is something you cant lose pride in because it is part of who you are- not what you do.

I hope your situation works itself out- this forum seems to be a great place to start.
good luck and God bless.