Sad News

[FosterMom78]

Hi everyone.. we just received the sad news today that our foster child for the past 10 months will be returning home to his bm come this Thanksgiving. Our foster child was a kinship and was very difficult. The little boy is only 21 months old and we have had him for half his life. Through this process we have lost contact with a few family members because of there anger at the system and taking it out on us. I am so sad because I feel that he is returning to the same environment he was pulled from. I dont see much progress other than the bm did the minimum requirements of taking the classes and putting on a good show for the social workers. I understand that every child should get to be with their bm but I think that the conditions they return these children to should be looked at more carefully. My husband and I are feeling like everything we have done for the past 10 months and for the next couple of months will have gone to waste once he is back in his bm's lifestyle. It is just incredibly sad. He has bonded so well with us and I know its going to be even more difficult for him to understand why he is finally comfortable and they are doing this all over again... Because of such bad blood now between the bm and family we doubt we will get to see the boy very much if at all in the future... any words of wisdom from others who have been through this before? I am at a loss for words....:(

[loverofpeace]

Your family is in our prayers. I say keep the faith and know that God will take care of this situation. I know of a similar situation. The FC was return to BM because she completed the requirements and made a good front; however, once the child was returned to her - reality set in and everyone saw her real side. As a result, the child was removed. I am not saying this will happen in your case and I don't want to give you false hope, but know that the end does not always occur when the child leaves your home. There are no words anyone can say that will ease your pain at this time. Some people will tell you that you knew this could happen, others will tell you that you have planted a seed in the child's life that will be with him for a lifetime. You will hear it all...but it does nothing for the feeling of loss. I encourage you to stay strong and most of all PRAY!

[loverofpeace]

Your family is in our prayers. I say keep the faith and know that God will take care of this situation. I know of a similar situation. The FC was return to BM because she completed the requirements and made a good front; however, once the child was returned to her - reality set in and everyone saw her real side. As a result, the child was removed. I am not saying this will happen in your case and I don't want to give you false hope, but know that the end does not always occur when the child leaves your home. There are no words anyone can say that will ease your pain at this time. Some people will tell you that you knew this could happen, others will tell you that you have planted a seed in the child's life that will be with him for a lifetime. You will hear it all...but it does nothing for the feeling of loss. I encourage you to stay strong and most of all PRAY!

[FosterMom78]

Thank you for your kind words and prayers. I am trying to be hopeful and pray that there will be many angels watching over this little boy! :)

[AllTangled]

this is definitely a difficult situation! I hope everything works out smoothly for you!

[FosterMommy]

Hi,
I am in a similar situation and have been desparate to see if anyone else is as well. :( I completely understand how you feel. Someone not in this situation cannot understand. I have an incredible family but they don't get it. They have their own children and have never fostered an infant. I've had my child directly from the hospital. Mom had her other child taken for neglect/abuse and made no changes to get her OR this child. Now they are "making changes" and doing what they are supposed to be doing but of course we have completely bonded with this child and vice versa. I think of the child's welfare as well as our broken hearts. Knowing what she will be going back to makes me ill and sad. I know they aren't capable of caring for her.
Just know I will be thinking about you and as everyone continues to tell me, you have NOT wasted your time. What you have done for this child is something so incredibly wonderful and he would not have had any of it had it not been for your willingness to love and care for him. He will be better for it is so many ways.
Try to get some peace in knowing that. You are doing and have done a wonderful thing. If you ever need an ear feel free to email me and if you'd like i could give you my #. I'm in RI.
Take care and Peace...
Maria

[greengirly]

We are also in this situation and recently found out our foster to adopt kiddo's BM has been making progressive efforts in her treatment plan. It's still unknown what will happen but we believe the likelyhood of her being returned is quite high now. The dissapointment and loss is chanllenging to cope with. I am curious to know have folks tried foster to adopt again after such experiences? I really feel conflicted about what we should do going forward. It seems like some foster to adopt famalies wait longer than straight adoption famalies to adopt a kiddo(s). Love and hugs -J

[FosterMom78]

Hi and thanks for your kind words. I am actually in MA so we are close by. I completely agree that unless you go through it is difficult to explain. We have started packing up his things as it is almost time for him to leave. It is such a painful process! My husband and I cry whenever we think about it. Since we wont have much contact with him when he returns we wonder if he will feel abandoned by us and dont really know how to make that not happen. Good luck with your situation, you will be in our thoughts as well.

[bkeating]

Hi FosterMom78,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Your family is certainly in our prayers as well. I do agree with others in this thread, though, that you did an extremely wonderful thing by caring for the little boy for the last 10 months. Perhaps this passage would by helpful to you: Matthew chapter 25, verses 31 through 40.

As it turns out, my wife and I are considering becoming foster parents; and the main item that I am concerned about is the exact situation that you are in. That is, I am concerned that if we care for a child for many months, we will become attached to him (and presumably, he will become attached to us) - but at some point, the child will have to leave us.

Nevertheless, I think we will become foster parents - because I still think that it is a very loving thing, to try to help out children who are in desperate circumstances. God bless you!

[FosterMom78]

Thanks! We are getting down to the last couple of weeks with our foster son. It has been hard. They are trying to do overnight visits and such now. It is difficult. I feel so awful him like we are "abandoning" him but unfortunately there is nothing we can do. He gets this blank stare on his face much like when we first got him. My husband and I cried as it was so hard to watch. When he came back the next day he seemed fine and was excited to see us! I just hope that his mother has truly learned a lesson and will care for this special boy as he should be!!:) I try to look for little signs of hope but sadly I havent found any.... I hope the foster system knows what it is doing!!!

Good luck to you with fostering!! It is a wonderful thing that can break your heart! :) Hopefully you will get a situation that allows you to possibly adopt if you want to go in that direction!

God Bless!

[Mom11]

It takes a special person to be a foster parent. And although we may not agree with some of the "agencies" decisons, we must be mentally prepared for anything. Whether it be permancy or placement with their bm/bd. There are ups and downs in this type of "work" and I quote "work", it is a job we have chosen to do because we have the heart to give of ourselves, beyond what it takes, beyond what many would ever even attempt to do. Our resume only needs one word: parent. A parent who was blessed and given the strength to guide those less fortunate than our own.

[CAFostermom]

I empathize with your plight. I really believe that although the foster care system has improved, it is not perfect. We are in a similar situation. We have two kids that we were intending to adopt. We ended up requesting that one of the kids should be removed from the home due to his violent behavior; we did however, offer to adopt the sibling. The county told us that if we weren't willing to adopt both, then they would both be removed as they do not want to split the siblings apart (even though the elder sibling was violent towards his younger sister). The county is looking for a short-term placement and then has recommended that the kids move back in with their grandmother (who incidentally lives with the children's birth mother). Ironically, the reason the county sought out a non-biological relative was because the mom and grandmother were both deemed to be unfit. They allowed neglect and abuse to occur in their home and that's why the kids were removed. Though mom has cleaned up her act a bit, she and the grandmother have little financial means, and wont provide structure/consistency/discipline. When I questioned the decision, I was told that even though it wasn't the best choice, social services believes that it's better than sending the kids to a group home. Apparently, since the kids have had a "failed" placement, they are deemed "hard to place." Suffice to say, our kids are supposed to be moving to a short term placement soon.

I do know how this feels. Even though your foster child is heading back to the birth mom, the time he had with you was a God send. Thankfully, there are people like you who were willing to care for him and provide him the love and structure needed to raise a child. Who knows - if mom fails her test, then he could be pulled out of her home?

Good luck and blessings.

[FosterMom78]

Wow... good luck to you with the removing situation. That just sounds awful! If I may ask how old are these children? Is the little girl old enough to make a decision for herself? If the boy is causing her harm, I would think she would be able to tell the system that she would prefer to be split from him and stay with you. Your story sounds heart-wrenching! I wish you lots of luck and will add you to my prayers.

We are down to less than 2 weeks now with our foster son. I dont think it has hit us yet that he will actually be leaving. We are set to start packing some of his belongings this weekend which I am sure will be most difficult. It is so easy to love a child and so hard to let them go!:(

[pamkay414]

To be reunited with their parents? You as a foster parent are supposed to work towards reunification as a team with the case worker and the parents. You played your part, and the services were obviously offered and accepted by the mother and she is ready to resume parenting her child hopefully.

I would be glad I played a part in that child's life instead of trying to 'put on an act'. You should be happy for the child and the mother and remember that you played an important part.

Are you in this for the right reasons?

[CAFostermom]

I have to repsectfully disagree. We foster parents are not well respected. Even the courts do not see us as having many rights. While we do need to be conscious that a child could be reunited with their birth parents and support those endeavors, we are also congizant that many of the birth parents fail their case plans. It is us who have to deal with the ramifications of a failed case plan (and many times I bet the kids blame the foster parents for that failure). Unfortunately, these kids are pawns in the system - and they are the ones who pay the price! I listened to a panel of judges who told me they face tremendous pressure to reunify the kids with their birth parents even when they know that the kids are better off getting adopted. The way I view our job - we are like the "stepparent" dealing with a child of divorce....you act civilly towards the birthparent, be supportive of them, and when they fail, we console the children and do not say anything negative to the kids; however, we are human and we have the right to opine (not in front of the kids) of the imperfections of the foster system and the choices of the birth parents.

[greengirly]

I have to (respectfully) agree with CAFostermom as well. Being a foster parent is a tough job. Families get into it for all kinds of reasons, some more well thought out than others. I think it is especially hard when families are part of concurrent or foster to adopt planning for a child, because in this case the goal is not always just reunification and you become 'in it' for different reasons as well. For our family having been a regular foster family for two kiddos who's plan was reunification and went home was very different emotionally from our current foster to adopt placement.

[FosterMom78]

Pamkay.. I have to say I didnt like the tone of your remarks. First of all I am in a kindship fostering... My husband and I were called last minute to basically rescue this child from the "system". We agreed and have loved and cared for him for the past 10 months like our own. We have had a VERY difficult time dealing with the BM and it got more complicated because we are related. It has been very hard on our entire family. I do feel that the BM has made little improvements but I basically feel that she did the minimum requirements and now is deemed ready to get her son back. I still dont feel she lives safely and I know that she hangs around with the same "bad" people whom she did before. While I understand the goal is always reunification, I dont feel at this point it should happen. I think she needs more time. She is very young and has never been able to hold a minimum wage job longer than 2 months (which the system says is okay). She has never had a place to call her own and the child slept in a different home almost every night before being placed with us. To me these things have not changed as I know she still basically has the same lifestyle. What she has learned is how to talk to the system and say the right things... While I would never hold a child from a capable mother.... I dont think she is capable... but again not my decision. We have voiced our concerns and said our peace and the system still moves on. This child is my family by blood and I have formed a deeper connection with the child through all of this. So for you to question my reason to be "in it" is completely hurtful.

[lovemykids2008]

FOSTERMOM78; I totally agree with you. It is difficult to see a child go and no amount of training prepares you for it! I just had one leave 2 days ago, who was with me for 10 months. People ask me all the time, "Why are you doing this? Are you crazy?" and I always answer "What are you doing about it?"

[FosterMom78]

Thanks Lovemykids! Sorry to hear you lost one right before the holidays too! It is SO hard to loose a part of your family. This was our first so I am not used to it. It will be a difficult weekend ahead. I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving! :)

[loverofpeace]

PamKay I have to agree with FosterMom. Your tone was a little harsh. Yes, reunification is the goal; however, not all goals can be accomplished. I am in a situation where I have a FC for 22 months. All types of services have been offered and provided to BM and she is still unable to properly care for her children. I am not a kinship care parent, but I am sure those who do have kinship children have more knowledge and a better perception of the child's biological parents capabilities. I don't think any of us are "putting on an act". We are realistic about how the system works and genuinely concered about the children.