grannychris
September 12th, 2008, 12:30 AM
Well, FYI to other grandparents, who like us have taken in grandkids
on their own. To be eligible for actual foster care aide , kinship or kin-gap aide... the children have to have been placed in your care by the
'system' In otherwords, the children had to have been removed from
the parents by CPS and moved on to the foster care system because
the child was in some type of danger or neglect situation.
So, because my grandkids arent in any danger....they already live with us, we cannot get aide from the foster care system. The VCFPA and Kids and Family Together are very nice and offer many services...like classes and can refer you to places to get food, needed clothing or get an emergency bill paid..(like to keep your lights on if your on the verge of disconnection.) They have alot of good advice. They care.
But lets face it, its very expensive to raise grandkids and you have to be in it for the love and safety of the children. Like us, you may well lose all
your savings, maybe have to 'give up your job' after 21 yrs...not many bosses care why you are late again after getting 5 kids to 3 different schools. You will find out how much child care has gone up. You may never have the time for a bubble bath again. The nail or hair salon will be a rare treat. Goodbye game and concert tickets.
Any dreams of leisure travel ...well, forget it unless your financially well off. Its back to speghetti nights and letting your gym enrollment expire. You will give up your privacy...eventually. Hello soccer and ice skating. You will learn to find free stuff like art classes, yoga and more for kids.
You will either discover or rediscover thrift store shopping. You will do more laundry than ever before. Quiet little dinners in or out of the house will be a distant memory. You'll give up Traders Joe's for bulk food warehouses...if you have the money for it. After awhile you realize what a mistake it was to use the credit card for all those little purchases. You will remember the difference in getting what they need and getting what they want. You will be back to going to school conferences, back to school nights, fund raisers, PTA, volunteer work, picking up a sick child from school and something they now call 'play dates'. You will learn new board games and rediscover old ones. Playground rules have not changed and asphalt still hurts.
You will find out how draining it is to apply for Medi-Cal aide. This you will do cause paying out of pocket for medical service care and prescriptions will really cut into the food budget or force you to delay paying a utility bill. This generally backfires as the following month the bill doubles . You will be grateful for Medi-cal There is some financial aide for the kids as you are a "Non-Needy Relative" eventually after all is said and done...you will find you have to some degree become somewhat needy yourself ....and its scary how it sneaks up on you. At first you may not qualify for food stamps and then feel you are glad because its hours of filling out forms for any cash aide and food stamps, it requires information on all your personal info and bank accounts and tax records and it all feels very invasive. No lie, they even want to know if you have pets. You will not get to 'retire'. All these things you will do while waiting and hoping for either parent to get it together...before you know it its been 5 or more years. You will have angry kids that will need counseling. As soon as you realize its a long term situation..get into a bigger place if at all possible. Nothing is worse than being over crowded and having only one full bathroom! Don't make the mistake of always trying to do everything yourself...the kids will let you. You will be dead tired, stressed and probably forget to take care of yourselves. Big mistake. Its also an expensive ambulance ride. You won't have time for your hobbies like art and gardening. You never find the time to restart them back up. Maybe best to share this hobbie with the kids.
Don't fall away from your church while you struggle. You will need their
fellowship. You may feel some kind of shame or be embarrassed because one of the parents is your own child that has abandoned their own resonsibility. If you arent involved in a chuch, get in one. You won't believe how much support you will get from the fellowship. And, the kids
will need to be around other people that can help them grow spiritually. While you may need help, you'll reach out to others worse off than you.
You will find your friends and old co-workers have moved on...just like when high school or college ended...they no longer have anything in common with you...slowly they ebb away. Forgive them. They are on cruises or hitting the casinos and they don't want you to feel bad you can't come. Besides, they don't want to meet you at Denny's on Kids Eat Free night! You said you couldnt go out so often, they stopped asking.
One very sad day will be when you realize or feel that your relationship as a grandparent...has ben ruined. Be prepared , you may be long dead before they ever really know or undertand what you have done for them. But, you will never regret giving up any of these things. Why? Because when you take in your grand children ...for what ever reason the parents have defaulted'..it was'nt the kids fault, you are letting them know that they are family, you stuck it out with them, that you risked it all for them and they were worth it. And if you had to, you'd do all over again.....wiser maybe but you would do it again. Because thats what families do.
************
on their own. To be eligible for actual foster care aide , kinship or kin-gap aide... the children have to have been placed in your care by the
'system' In otherwords, the children had to have been removed from
the parents by CPS and moved on to the foster care system because
the child was in some type of danger or neglect situation.
So, because my grandkids arent in any danger....they already live with us, we cannot get aide from the foster care system. The VCFPA and Kids and Family Together are very nice and offer many services...like classes and can refer you to places to get food, needed clothing or get an emergency bill paid..(like to keep your lights on if your on the verge of disconnection.) They have alot of good advice. They care.
But lets face it, its very expensive to raise grandkids and you have to be in it for the love and safety of the children. Like us, you may well lose all
your savings, maybe have to 'give up your job' after 21 yrs...not many bosses care why you are late again after getting 5 kids to 3 different schools. You will find out how much child care has gone up. You may never have the time for a bubble bath again. The nail or hair salon will be a rare treat. Goodbye game and concert tickets.
Any dreams of leisure travel ...well, forget it unless your financially well off. Its back to speghetti nights and letting your gym enrollment expire. You will give up your privacy...eventually. Hello soccer and ice skating. You will learn to find free stuff like art classes, yoga and more for kids.
You will either discover or rediscover thrift store shopping. You will do more laundry than ever before. Quiet little dinners in or out of the house will be a distant memory. You'll give up Traders Joe's for bulk food warehouses...if you have the money for it. After awhile you realize what a mistake it was to use the credit card for all those little purchases. You will remember the difference in getting what they need and getting what they want. You will be back to going to school conferences, back to school nights, fund raisers, PTA, volunteer work, picking up a sick child from school and something they now call 'play dates'. You will learn new board games and rediscover old ones. Playground rules have not changed and asphalt still hurts.
You will find out how draining it is to apply for Medi-Cal aide. This you will do cause paying out of pocket for medical service care and prescriptions will really cut into the food budget or force you to delay paying a utility bill. This generally backfires as the following month the bill doubles . You will be grateful for Medi-cal There is some financial aide for the kids as you are a "Non-Needy Relative" eventually after all is said and done...you will find you have to some degree become somewhat needy yourself ....and its scary how it sneaks up on you. At first you may not qualify for food stamps and then feel you are glad because its hours of filling out forms for any cash aide and food stamps, it requires information on all your personal info and bank accounts and tax records and it all feels very invasive. No lie, they even want to know if you have pets. You will not get to 'retire'. All these things you will do while waiting and hoping for either parent to get it together...before you know it its been 5 or more years. You will have angry kids that will need counseling. As soon as you realize its a long term situation..get into a bigger place if at all possible. Nothing is worse than being over crowded and having only one full bathroom! Don't make the mistake of always trying to do everything yourself...the kids will let you. You will be dead tired, stressed and probably forget to take care of yourselves. Big mistake. Its also an expensive ambulance ride. You won't have time for your hobbies like art and gardening. You never find the time to restart them back up. Maybe best to share this hobbie with the kids.
Don't fall away from your church while you struggle. You will need their
fellowship. You may feel some kind of shame or be embarrassed because one of the parents is your own child that has abandoned their own resonsibility. If you arent involved in a chuch, get in one. You won't believe how much support you will get from the fellowship. And, the kids
will need to be around other people that can help them grow spiritually. While you may need help, you'll reach out to others worse off than you.
You will find your friends and old co-workers have moved on...just like when high school or college ended...they no longer have anything in common with you...slowly they ebb away. Forgive them. They are on cruises or hitting the casinos and they don't want you to feel bad you can't come. Besides, they don't want to meet you at Denny's on Kids Eat Free night! You said you couldnt go out so often, they stopped asking.
One very sad day will be when you realize or feel that your relationship as a grandparent...has ben ruined. Be prepared , you may be long dead before they ever really know or undertand what you have done for them. But, you will never regret giving up any of these things. Why? Because when you take in your grand children ...for what ever reason the parents have defaulted'..it was'nt the kids fault, you are letting them know that they are family, you stuck it out with them, that you risked it all for them and they were worth it. And if you had to, you'd do all over again.....wiser maybe but you would do it again. Because thats what families do.
************