Need Advice

[FosAdoptMommy]

I have lost all hope!! My husband and I became foster parents 2 years ago only wanting an adoptable child. We received a phone call a year ago for a little boy that was a victim of neglect and domestic violence, at the time he was 20 months old. In the beginning we were not informed of many details and did not really understand how the system worked. Before we realized what was happening we were falling in love with the little one and the case went into reunification for both Bio's. Bio dad did nothing for the first 6 months and bio mom did the minimum. Our 6 month hearing was postponed 3-4 times for a total of 1 1/2 months, the recommendation from the county was to terminate svs for both. However, in this month and a half, bio dad got out of jail for a week, got high, found Jesus and went into a rehab and is still there. The judge continued svs for another 6 months for both. Since then, bio mom has been MIA for the last 3 months but bio dad is still in the game. However the SW has overlooked so many things that have occurred such as being brought back with food on his face, dirty diapers and even using a booster seat instead of the required car seat for his age and weight. Every time we say anything we are treated as if we are over reacting. I was even told that my level of care is just higher as an explanation as to why our little one was seen out in the same clothes as the day before. The very first 24 hour visit our little one was seen out with a grandma and an uncle and bio dad was no where around and I was told that since he is a single dad he deserves to take a break. Not to mention that before this 24 hour visit they had seen each other only twice a month for the last 5 months. We are extremely frustrated with the system and are wondering if anyone out there has been in a similar situation that may have some advice for us.

[MIfostermom]

Hi,

I am new to this website, and yours was one of the fist messages I read on here. I completely understand what you're going through.

We currently have our first two foster children, ages 1 and 2. At first, we were lead to believe that they would most likely end up in adoption, but now it is looking more and more like they will go home with bio dad. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, my husband and I have agreed that we don't want to adopt these two boys, mainly because my husband is afraid to adopt children from our small town because he knows their family and they have a bad reputation. I guess he's afraid of what they might do. I don't necessarily agree with this, but I will wait until my husband feels comfortable with adopting before I push for it.

Anyway, although we don't want to adopt the kids, we want to see them end up in a loving home. I do feel that bio dad loves the kids, but he is young and has already gotten into trouble. I don't think he was raised right, so I don't know how he will be able to raise two little ones. I also know that those two are a handful (and then some), and I don't know how a single dad can handle it (bio mom has lost her rights).

I get the feeling that the DHS is overlooking a lot of bio dad's faults. I haven't really mentioned them to our Bethany Christian caseworker or the DHS caseworker because I don't quite know what to say. Every time the dad gets visitations with the boys, he gives them candy and bug juice. Basically, he feeds them nothing but sugar (and they are 1 and 2!). That may seem like a minor offense to the DHS, but I see it as bad parenting skills. A lifetime of eating like that can lead to childhood obesity, diabetes, and other problems. Also, bio dad was told right from the beginning to bring a diaper bag for the boys. He has NEVER brought one in the past 3 months. He knows that I will bring one, so I guess he doesn't bother. I wish they would enforce that too. The children also never wear bibs, and they end up having to have their shirts changed (more laundry for me), often because he gives the younger one bug juice right out of the bottle instead of putting it in a sippy cup.

We had a little misunderstanding about whether the boys should eat lunch with me at home or wait until they go to visitation, so we asked bio dad. He said "oh, I always feed them." So the caseworker and I confirmed that he would be providing their lunches on those days. Since that time, they had birthday cake and ice cream at their family birthday party visitation (and I thought for sure they would feed them something more than that!), and more bug juice, chips, and crackers. No actual meals. The one day he surprised me by actually giving them apple juice (although the brand he bought had added sugar) and grapes and bananas. But I guess that was a one-time deal because he didn't do the same the next time. If I were the caseworkers I would see this as a lack of parenting skills, and I would try to instruct him on children's nutrition. If he didn't start showing improvement, I would probably not recommend them to go home.

Another thing that has upset me is that bio dad has not been made to undergo any actual parenting classes. The only guidance he is getting is on his Wednesday visitations when the Bethany caseworker supervises and gives him advice, but he may get unsupervised visitations in the next week, so who will be advising him then??

[Mrs_K]

My heart goes out to you.

My home is foster to adopt. We take all children and if the option becomes available then we have the option to adopt. This being children in our home or others. It is required that the child be in our home for 6 months before the official option becomes available.

An adopt only home should only be called if the parental rights have already been terminated and all is cleared for adoption. It sounds to me as if someone has dropped the ball or drastically taken advantage of your kindness. Those children should have been in a transitional home until rights were terminated. I hope all works out for you.

[FosAdoptMommy]

After a year of this sweet little boy calling me Mommy, I will have to pack up his belongings today and send him off to his new life with his Bio Dad for his trial visit, not knowing if I will ever see him again. He will have no home of his own, Bio Dad was just released from rehab and will be staying with the one and only family member that could clear the background check. Bio Dad will be dealing with a 2 year old with an attachment disorder for the first time sober and only halfway through his court ordered domestic violence classes. It is just not fair!! I don't understand why this little boy must be a test to this guy just to see if he can take care of him and battle his addictions all at once. All that I can do is pray for his safety.

[peggyb101]

Well, I know exactly how you feel and this game we play is so hard it is unbelievable. We take the risk of losing every time a kid walks in the door. After 5 years I have come to the conclusion that the kids are still worth the heartache and the risk of losing them. We have lost 3 and gained 4 (two adopted, two on adoptive status-yeah!) and I have never met a kid who wasnt worth it. I know it is hard now but you will get through it. You have no control over what happens now so the best you can do is keep your fingers crossed dad can do this or he will realize he cant pretty quick and return him to the system. I have been at the point where I cant even look at a picture without falling apart and believe it or not those situations were probably for the best, the kids are ok and doing well(although not always the case). You will get a child who needs you even more, who has no one who even wants to try, and that child will heal you. I have had kids come back as well, so if it is meant to be it is meant to be. Thank god there are people like us who give a crap if they are sent back into a bad situation because I couldn't do it without the support of some of my best friends who are foster/adoptive parents as well. I suggest trying to connect with people who have the same frame of mind, it is very therapeutic. You should try and think about this as well, maybe you planted the seed in this child that someone can truly love you, and maybe he wont repeat the cycle when he grows up. God bless both of you and the baby. Keep us updated!