crd
February 8th, 2010, 05:16 AM
Hi,
I'm new to the forum and am actually a legal guardian but not an official foster parent. Quick background -- several years ago I became close to a family through my church just before the father was diagnosed with cancer. He talked to me privately about his concerns for his children because his wife is an alcoholic and may have other mental issues (depression, for example). He died a year and a half ago and his wife became increasingly unable to care for her children (or we became increasingly aware of her inability to care for them since I have now found out from them that they had been pretty much caring for themselves since his death). The end result was that the mother recognized her inability to care for them and legally transferred custody of the kids to me right before Christmas.
Here's my question -- the kids are 12 and 14 and for at least the last 3-4 years, their mother has been pretty much emotionally absent from them, since her drinking would begin as soon as she came home from work. She often drove them while drunk, and even showed up at school events drunk. They are extremely disgusted with her and extremely happy to be now living with me. Their need for nurturing and stability was palpable when they first moved in, and they are soaking up the sense of family that has been missing for them. Their mother has admitted her alcoholism and has been in and out of rehab twice in the past four months, but still has a long way to go. Because of her instability, we reduced visits to once a week and even those are never certain to happen because about half the time, she is in no shape to visit. Moreover, she seems to lack some basic mothering skills -- for example, yesterday following their lunch together she wanted to extend her time with her 12 year old son by taking a walk together around town. She loves to walk and wanted his companionship but it was 20 degrees out, and he is 12 -- what 12 year old boy wants to take a walk with his Mom in the cold to chat for an hour? She kept badgering him about it and when I walked in on the conversation, I had to tell her that he really didn't want to go and she left quite miffed.
Anyway, here is my question (finally): because of the kids' ages and the long history of difficulty with their Mom, they have no interest in reconciliation with her, even if she should stop drinking. The 14 year old girl in particular seems to have completely emotionally detached. They are really great kids and actually extremely well adjusted given what they have gone through but they are also quite smart (both A students) and I think they have looked at the history of their Mom's behavior, her emotional absence from them and from their father during his cancer, and have come to an intellectual conclusion about her character that I'm not sure will be easy to reverse, at least not quickly. I'm just really curious about your experience as to the possibility of reconciling teens to their birth mother given this past history and given that she still hasn't even stopped drinking. The longer it takes her to quit, the less time she'll have to reconcile with the kids before they are at an age of independence anyway. I am continuing to take a positive attitude about the possibility of reconciliation while assuring them that they will have a home with me if their Mom doesn't get better but I'm just wondering for my own information, what people's experiences are in the chances of reconciliation really happening?
CRD
I'm new to the forum and am actually a legal guardian but not an official foster parent. Quick background -- several years ago I became close to a family through my church just before the father was diagnosed with cancer. He talked to me privately about his concerns for his children because his wife is an alcoholic and may have other mental issues (depression, for example). He died a year and a half ago and his wife became increasingly unable to care for her children (or we became increasingly aware of her inability to care for them since I have now found out from them that they had been pretty much caring for themselves since his death). The end result was that the mother recognized her inability to care for them and legally transferred custody of the kids to me right before Christmas.
Here's my question -- the kids are 12 and 14 and for at least the last 3-4 years, their mother has been pretty much emotionally absent from them, since her drinking would begin as soon as she came home from work. She often drove them while drunk, and even showed up at school events drunk. They are extremely disgusted with her and extremely happy to be now living with me. Their need for nurturing and stability was palpable when they first moved in, and they are soaking up the sense of family that has been missing for them. Their mother has admitted her alcoholism and has been in and out of rehab twice in the past four months, but still has a long way to go. Because of her instability, we reduced visits to once a week and even those are never certain to happen because about half the time, she is in no shape to visit. Moreover, she seems to lack some basic mothering skills -- for example, yesterday following their lunch together she wanted to extend her time with her 12 year old son by taking a walk together around town. She loves to walk and wanted his companionship but it was 20 degrees out, and he is 12 -- what 12 year old boy wants to take a walk with his Mom in the cold to chat for an hour? She kept badgering him about it and when I walked in on the conversation, I had to tell her that he really didn't want to go and she left quite miffed.
Anyway, here is my question (finally): because of the kids' ages and the long history of difficulty with their Mom, they have no interest in reconciliation with her, even if she should stop drinking. The 14 year old girl in particular seems to have completely emotionally detached. They are really great kids and actually extremely well adjusted given what they have gone through but they are also quite smart (both A students) and I think they have looked at the history of their Mom's behavior, her emotional absence from them and from their father during his cancer, and have come to an intellectual conclusion about her character that I'm not sure will be easy to reverse, at least not quickly. I'm just really curious about your experience as to the possibility of reconciling teens to their birth mother given this past history and given that she still hasn't even stopped drinking. The longer it takes her to quit, the less time she'll have to reconcile with the kids before they are at an age of independence anyway. I am continuing to take a positive attitude about the possibility of reconciliation while assuring them that they will have a home with me if their Mom doesn't get better but I'm just wondering for my own information, what people's experiences are in the chances of reconciliation really happening?
CRD